When it hurts like Hell

It’s been just over a month since my sister lost her twins, Leo and Amada (Spanish for loved). They were born early at 20 weeks. I was able to fly home the day she had them and I had the privilege of anointing them, praying over them and holding them.

As soon as I saw my sister all I wanted to do was hold her in my own arms and comfort her. I couldn’t help but rub her hair and weep. She has just been through hell and was still processing what happened. There’s very few ways to describe the atmosphere…but I think of the popular verse at funerals Psalm 23:4 ‘Even though I go through the valley of the shadow of death…’ and I realize the writer, King David’s wife lost a baby. I wonder if he wrote it with that in mind.

On my drive down to see her, I could only do 2 things-cry and sing. A popular song we had started singing at church was called Grace to Grace. That’s all that I was able to hear when I held the twins…it felt like the track was playing in my head….”when I see that cross I see Jesus, when I see that grave I see freedom, and from death to life I will sing your praise, in the wonder of your grace…”

I remember looking up at my dad while I was rocking them, and humming that song, weeping, but smiling and saying  “They’re not here, and they’re ok.”

It was in those moments of holding them, which was a depth of sorrow I’d never experienced, that I truly felt the presence and certainty of Heaven. I believe even more than I have believed before that loss like this is why Jesus came to make a way for us, to be reunited with our loved ones one day who trust in Him too.

Having peace knowing where their souls are, having joy knowing I’ll meet them in Heaven one day, is what it means to me to have victory over death. In this life, we have temporary pain and suffering, but that is working for us to produce a glory in the next life. We don’t grieve like those who have no hope (1Thess 4:13).

On earth we see things dimly, but one day we will see them clearly, until then we use faith. We take courage, because He’s in the waiting.